If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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