I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize