How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
