Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize