I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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