hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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