ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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