kristin has been a bad kristin
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
