Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
