im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
