it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
