Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
