just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
