You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
