she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
