Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
