I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
