John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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