We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize