I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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