OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
