i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
