Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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