my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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