I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
