So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
