You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
