i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
