Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
