Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
