My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
