Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
