You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
