just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
