I only kidnapped one of them. chill
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
