If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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