Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
