I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
