Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
