I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
