Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize