I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My Higher Power is John Stamos
farters have to be the big spoon...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
