I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
