but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
