just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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