By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
