you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
