Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
