Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
