She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
