We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
