Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
