My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
