we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
