Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
