I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
