Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
