My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
