when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
