i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
