Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
