I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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